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Hoosier United Methodist News April 2001
How to thaw a friend's 'freeze out'
Dear Susan and Ed:
I'm dumbfounded. A person I have considered a good friend for a long time will not speak to me now. Well, I guess I shouldn't be too surprised. It's happened before.
She called to tell me about her difficulties with another friend. I listened. Then, I asked her what her part of the problem was, and she hung up. Now, I'm confronted with a wall of silence.
How can I reach her?
Sincerely,
Stuck in Silence
Dear Stuck:
It's hard to know how to approach someone who won't talk. For some people, not talking is a way of "expressing" anger. Often the outcome is lost friendship and loneliness. You're left only with questions.
Everyone is stuck in silence. The longer it goes, the worse it gets. Unfortunately, this kind of "freeze out" happens with some regularity in churches. A pastor may feel the "cool breeze" when a parishioner has been hurt by the pastor's inattention. For instance, unbeknownst to the pastor, a member is hospitalized. This slight could cause that parishioner to pull away, even if the pastor has worked hard to bring love and redemption to that person.
For some, the "freeze out" method of dealing with anger seems more Christian than directly confronting a problem. The Bible is clear that we should "make right" relationships with our Christian sisters and brothers before bowing at the altar.
It's worth a try to call your friend in hopes of restoring the relationship. Pray for her, she is really hurting. Be aware, it may be a while before your friend is willing to re-open what will be a severe wound. If she refuses to talk, It may be useful to have a trusted friend, perhaps your pastor, help mediate the differences.
When people of good will want to work out a painful relationship, it requires each to see the other's side of the problem. Coming clean like that will go a long way toward resolving things.
In the meantime, pray for your friend. Take care of yourself, for the pain you have may grow if you carry too much of the responsibility. Stay in relationship with those you love.
Sincerely,
Ed & Susan AlleyBoth Ed and Susan Alley are Pastoral Counselors, licensed Marriage and Family Therapists and Clinical Members of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.
Questions may be addressed to them, in confidence, and sent to: Kairos Center for the Family, 4337 Kessler Blvd. N. Drive, Indianapolis, IN 46228.
Last updated January 14, 2004