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Hoosier United Methodist News Archives
| Hoosier United Methodist News |
December 2001 |
Nobody asked me, but ...
No one asks about God
By Bill Schwein
Q: What do district superintendents do all day?
A: Answer questions.
We get questions over the phone, in letters, by e-mail and in person. Long, complicated questions. Short, easy questions. Serious questions. Silly -- even stupid -- questions. Occasionally we have an immediate answer, but mostly we respond with something like, "That's a very good question, one that deserves prayerful thought. I'll have to get back to you." Then we hurriedly run to the reams of resources we have received from denominational headquarters -- and are expected to have memorized.
Here are a few of the questions I've received from pastors:
"If I am a full-time local pastor and have completed one year of the Course of Study and I'm not under appointment, can I serve Holy Communion at the wedding of my college roommate, if he's not a member of the church?"
"Doesn't the housing exclusion mean that I can deduct cat litter from my taxes?"
"Can we change our charge conference date? And, do I have to be there?"
"Are pastors allowed to make a motion to close the church?"
"Did you try to call me about a move? I have been on a retreat at the Grand Victoria Casino and Resort and I don't have voice mail. I just thought I'd check."
"Does the pastor's compensation form have to include my annual Christmas bonus?"
"What the dickens is the difference between a deacon and a diaconal?"
"I woke up with a stomach ache. Can you preach for me this morning?"
"Can I retire if I'm still just a 'candidate' for ministry?"
"Do you have extra copies of the forms you sent out? Our son used them to line the gerbil cage."
"Can my brother be a member of the Pastor-Parish Committee? He's also our lay leader."
"Does the UMW really have the authority to keep the church's silverware locked up all the time?"
"Does the conference have any money to help us pay for our big-screen TV for the sanctuary entertainment center?"
"Is paragraph 209.lf (II) in the 2000 Discipline the same as paragraph 210.2d(III) in the 1996 Discipline?"
"Does our group insurance cover membership in the fitness center?"
Here are a few of the questions I've received from lay persons:
"Our pastor preached a sermon encouraging new members to take leadership positions in the church. Can she really do that?"
"What paragraph in The Discipline says our pastor has to announce the amount of his pledge?"
"How many weeks of vacation does our minister get? We haven't seen him since Easter." (That one came in mid-July.)
"Why weren't the books of the Bible put in alphabetical order?"
I know that Jesus fielded lots of questions. But they were more on the "What must I do to inherit eternal life . Who is my neighbor . How many times do I have to forgive someone?" order. I just wish someone would call and ask me about God. Or at least what I want for Christmas this year.
Last updated on 01/14/2004