Family faces Christmas changes

Dear Susan and Ed,

My oldest daughter recently married and moved out of state. Our family has never missed spending Christmas together. With the holidays quickly approaching, my daughter recently announced that she and her husband are planning to spend Christmas with her husband's family in another state. My rational side is telling me to keep my opinions to myself. The desire to tell her that I want her home for Christmas is building as the holiday nears. Do you have any suggestions?

Signed, Lonely Already

Dear L.A.,

It's clear that you love your daughter, and it means a lot to you to share this special season with her. While we are proud of who our kids have become, the kinds of changes you've described bring their usual blend of feelings.

It does sound like you have some grief about how your family is changing. It doesn't mean that you don't acknowledge their rights to live their lives as they choose. But, it does mean that you recognize the change in relationship, and it brings you sadness. It's important for you to deal with these feelings.

You raise a question lots of families face in these highly mobile days. Families sometimes find themselves scattered throughout the country, and we miss them when they are at such a distance. It's sometimes unrealistic for a family to meet on Christmas day.

If being together at Christmas relates to being close, are there other ways that you can achieve that, even if it's not exactly on Dec. 25? Difficult as it is in this circumstance, a very precious gift to these younger people is to let them know how proud we are of them, how much we love them, and that we respect the decisions they are making.

And there's also the possibility of having a very wonderful "Christmas" on another day.

I hope you don't feel we are minimizing your feelings, as they are feelings of love and longing. Your dilemma reminds us that Christ was born into a much-less-than-perfect world. This Christmas season in particular, we know how imperfect the world remains. We want to be with those we love, to shelter, hold close and pray for peace. Let's join hands around the world this Christmas in praying for peace among all people, particularly those we dearly love and cannot be with.

Sincerely,
Susan and Ed Alley

Letters may be sent to the Alleys at the Kairos Center for the Family,
4337 Kessler Blvd. N. Drive, Indianapolis, Ind. 46228.

Last updated on 01/14/2004

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