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Hoosier United Methodist News Archives
| Hoosier United Methodist News |
May 2001 |
Nobody asked me, but …
Church version of Survivor
By Bill Schwein
The success of those "survivor" shows on television gave me an idea. No, I'm not proposing that Pastor-Parish Relations Committees think of their annual performance evaluation as an opportunity to "vote the preacher off the island." But there are some other challenges that could make for interesting television programs. The networks might consider the following ideas.
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Arm a young minister, fresh out of seminary, with a laptop computer, palm pilot, CD's filled with clip-art to create a weekly newsletter, and all sorts of books on making your mole-hill congregation into a mountain of a church. Full of enthusiasm and brimming with confidence, we'll appoint our young minister to a church without a secretary or copy machine (except a fifty-year-old mimeograph machine). Our Survivor congregation will have an average age of 75, where the last unchurched visitor was a non-member whose funeral was held in the sanctuary twelve years ago.
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Send an older minister nearing retirement to a church where the pastor is expected to drive the church bus for confirmation class trips and chaperone the youth lock-in.
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Dispatch a district superintendent to a church where he/she must tell the PPR Committee - consisting of former Baptists and Presbyterians - that the bishop is going to move their beloved pastor. The replacement will be a pastor who was recently asked to move from his last church. The superintendent must explain that preachers are sent, not called.
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Have a pastor suggest to a church committee, "Maybe we could do something different for Lent this year." Followed by this proposal, "Do we really need to have the American flag in the chancel?"
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Ask the guest preacher to conduct the Children's Moment. To the pastor's surprise, the children are wired from having spent the last half-hour eating donuts in Fellowship Hall.
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Ask the member who wants more Bach played at Sunday worship to serve on the Contemporary Worship Team.
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Require a pastor to give the benediction (so he can't leave early) at the UMW Circle meeting. The focus of the meeting: the upcoming Holiday Bazaar. Ask the pastor to explain why he forgot Women's Sunday again this year.
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Appoint a female pastor to a congregation that just said good-bye to a patriarchal pastor who wouldn't let women usher. Or ask, "What would Jesus do?" after a heated discussion at a board meeting.
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Resolve a scheduling conflict among the Boy Scouts' chili supper, the Quilting Circle's annual show, the youth fellowship's pizza party, and the wedding reception for the daughter of the church's largest benefactor.
… Any of which will get you voted out quicker than God threw Adam and Eve out of Eden.
The Rev. Bill Schwein is superintendent of the Indianapolis East District.
Last updated January 14, 2004