Rube Goldberg, our patron saint

If the United Methodist Church had a patron saint, it wouldn't be John Wesley. It would be Rube Goldberg. He was an American cartoonist who satirized complicated machines as symbols of our capacity for exerting maximum effort to achieve minimal results and for doing things the hard way instead of using simpler, more direct paths to accomplish goals.

Webster's Dictionary includes the entry, "Rube Goldberg," defining it as "accomplishing by extremely complex, roundabout means what seemingly could be done simply." Purdue University has an annual Rube Goldberg contest that rewards the team that can come up with the most complicated machine to perform a simple everyday task -- like sharpening a pencil or peeling an apple. A recent winning machine poured a can of soda in 35 steps.

I think we should enter The Discipline next year. Trying to make sense of it is like reading the Tax Code. There are 76 pages in the Index alone. We are proud of how we do everything in order. But I sometimes wonder if Rube Goldberg wouldn't make fun of the madness in our methods. Do we really need an 800-page book to help us perform what should be the relatively simple task of just doing what Jesus wants us to do? The entire New Testament is only half that long.

One of the problems, I think, is that what were meant to be means to an end have become ends in themselves. We are so obsessed with process and procedure that we may forget why we're doing what we're doing. I once heard of some elaborate machinery that produced grease -- which was only used to lubricate the machine so it could produce more grease. Most days that is all we are doing when we push paperwork, fill out forms, request reports.

One example of how skilled we've become at doing things the complicated, roundabout way: In the 1849 Discipline, the only categories for clergy were Traveling Elders, Traveling Deacons, Local Preachers and Worn-out Preachers (no kidding.) That's it. Checking the last Conference Journal, I discovered 82 different categories for our clergy. In that old Discipline, there are just two sentences dealing with "the Election and Ordination of Traveling Elders." In the latest Discipline, there are 84 pages and 66 paragraphs devoted to The Ministry of the Ordained.

Jesus recruited candidates for ministry by simply saying, "Follow me." How did he ever manage to qualify them for ministry without determining if they were Inquiring, Exploring, Declared, or Certified Candidates? As I recall, it was the Pharisees of his day who had encumbered religion with rules and regulations. Jesus came to undo all that. I wish he'd come again. But if he did, I doubt if the Board of Ordained Ministry could endorse him. He only had three years for ministry -- not nearly enough time to fulfill the minimum requirements for being a Certified Candidate and Probationary Member. (According to Â¶ 315.1 and Â¶317 in my Discipline for Dummies.)

The Rev. Bill Schwein is a member of the South Indiana Cabinet and superintendent of Indianapolis East District.

Last updated on 01/14/2004

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